How to deal with kidnappers the chinese way

Demands of Kidnapper and Chinese negotiator

In our country we would:

• Shut down the street for 48 hours
• Take 12 hours to talk him out of it
• Spend £5 million giving him a fair trial
• And pay his food and lodging for life

No wonder Chinese products are cheaper than ours!!!!!

World’s Best Job still up for grabs!!!

Brit Ben Southall may have thought he landed the world’s best job when he was awarded the caretaker position on an Australian Tropical Island, but I’m not sure. Looks like the World’s Best Job is still up for grabs!!!

 

Job location: Beach in Jamaica

Salary: $5/week

No of people needed: 3

No of applicants (so far) 6,437,943

Duties: Assisting girls onto horses bareback.

Special Offer – Free Barbecues from Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Asda, Morrison’s.

An offer not to be missed

Summer is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarkets are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them. (Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee).

All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used to keep things warm. You can get your free BBQ from any of the following stores.

ASDA

Morrison’s

Costco

Somerfield

Aldi

Sainsbury

Tesco

Iceland

Lidl

 

Top Tips for committing the Perfect Crime

Does crime pay?

Well that really depends on 2 things. What you get out of it and whether you get caught. Be honest, we’ve all thought about it from time to time. If only we could commit a crime and get away with it. I’m not talking about the violent stuff here, I can’t condone that in any way, but what about the ‘frauds’ and the ‘scams’, surely they aren’t as bad. After all, your not hurting anyone, are you? I’ll leave that for you to work out but if crime is for you, you need to know how to go about it.

 

The best reason to commit a crime – PROFIT

Why profit? Well, for starters, because you need motivation to commit a crime, a reason to break the law . There’s no point in committing a crime if your going to get nothing out of it. People commit crimes because they want money and once you realize that money is the best possible motivation, you need a victim. 

The Victim

A victim is anybody who suffers because of the crime you commit. The victim is the owner of whatever it is that you took. Now, the crucial thing is to pick your victim carefully. The victim doesn’t even need to be one person, it can be a group of people, a company or even a whole country (I’ll come to that later). The best victims are the ones that you don’t know, so don’t steal off friends and family.

The Crime

Once you have a victim you need to do some actual planning and decide what kind of perfect crime you want to commit. Think carefully because the type of crime you commit will have a bearing on the punishment you may or may not receive if you get caught. 

Accomplices’

If there’s anyone else in on the crime, keep them close to you at all times and make sure that they have got as much to lose as you.

What if you get caught?

Deny it and keep denying it until the evidence is so overwhelming that there is only one way out. Run? No, don’t be silly….Sing like a Canary… and let someone else take the fall.

Is there such thing as a perfect crime? One where you can steal from your victim yet even if you get caught there is no punishment, at worst you just offer to pay the money back to your victim. Let me think…I know…

                                                   BECOME AN MP AND CLAIM EXPENSES!!!!!

Talk about Double Entendres

1 My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2 He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore since he is on top of me.
3 It’s the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4 I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5 I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6 And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7 I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8   My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11.I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too intrusive for me.
18.The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it as my husband is at work all day.
20.I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21.Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

Airline travel has definitely changed

AIRLINE TRAVEL HAS CHANGED

How to get a man to wash his hands

IF YOU HAVE EVER WONDERED HOW TO GET A BLOKE TO WASH HIS HANDS AFTER HE HAS BEEN TO THE TOILET, THIS MIGHT JUST BE THE ANSWER. WORKS FOR ME!